Broken Glass, Broken Hearts, Broken Lives...
Once again, I broke another cup!In the past month, I managed to break 5 cups and a Pyrex. This last cup I broke today was my favorite by far. Knitting Ninja got it for me from the American Chemistry Association. It is so cool and I BROKE IT!
Well, breaking stuff isn't the only disastrous thing I've done last month. I have managed to run away from people and not hang out, unless there is a demonstration or a fundraiser for Lebanon; I've had over 30hours/week of CSI, Jon Stuart, and Sex and the City; I have been blessed with a nightmare every other night-and the problem is I can't remember my nightmares when I wake up; and the best thing is that I started thinking about writing my will! So I'm wondering what I should leave for my best friends and what did people ask from me in the past-if you have anything specific you want, please let me know.
On Thursday, I was so scared of myself. I happen to work on the 10th Fl and I have a big window in my office. I stood in front of my window for 10 min wondering what will happen if I just jumped. People say that I will die, but I want to know what happens afterwards. I want a peek! But then realized there are 2 things that stop me from doing this: (1) my mom and (2) Salto report that I should be submitting in September because none of the other trainers will be paid if I don't submit it.
People might say that this is suicide; but for me it's not. I'm looking for answers because the only thing I have is questions.
- Why is this world full of hatred, wars, and killing?
- Is there anything better waiting for us after death? Or this is as good as it gets?
- I didn't choose to come to this life, then why do I have to live it?
- How can I stop this pain in my heart whenever I see a kid suffering from imperialistic states' policies?
- Is there any chance to make this world a better place to be in?
- Is there an extra-terrestrial life? (this is by far my favorite question)
This is said, I am trying to look for driving forces to keep my feet on this earth. It is not a matter of hope, it is more of not knowing the reasons why I am here and what I can do. I listen to the news, and the only things that are reported are catastrophes, disasters, deaths, wars, floods, hurricanes, earthquakes, nuclear weapons… maybe there should be news only reporting happy issues. I would love to list some examples of happy news but it seems I forgot what it is like.
I am looking for ways where I can be an effective agent of change, but at the same time I'm not sure people are ready to accept change. I look around me and I see people opting for reality denial in pursuit of happiness. As if you either choose the red pill or the blue pill—a la Matrix.
But my big question is, are people really happy? Are they happy feeling lonely most of the time; eating dinner by themselves, fooling around from time to time and every time it is with a different person; watching senseless shows on TV, one after the other; finishing a bottle of wine to keep the denial push present; and considering their computers, blackberries, IPod, or cell phones as their best friends??? If this is the recipe for happiness, please let me know, because in my dictionary happiness has another definition. Maybe my dictionary has a printing mistake!
posted by J. @ 3:38 PM
3 Comments:
Jana, thanks for the comment! Glad that you were able to have a laugh! I was moved by your recent post (I didn't know you blogged!) - I have often had thoughts along those lines, although usually not in such circumstances as you find yourself. I hope that somehow my study of cultural anthropology will help people understand each other better and move towards peace, away from violence. It seems like a small thing. I hope that you have a good day and can read only books you like :-)
o babe
i'm sorry- i am having one of those 'what's the point, can't we really be more effective days' myself. hoping to cry over some chemistry topic today ....
i will get you another mug- have no fear!
love you dear
Big questions for such a little person..... ;)
Wondering what comes next is not uncommon, especially considering what a mess we are all experiencing. I don't think most people are happy.
A question for you, what makes you happy - always? Keep that near - I think you do a good job of that with your mom.
Wish T & I could be there to be strangled by one of your hugs.
- take care
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